ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6