Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.