“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
who will stop them
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
lol
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂