Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
This hospital has everything
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES