who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days