Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.