I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
They’re called werewolves.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.