judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers