when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers