I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*