Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look