You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
incredible
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me