I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.