Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*