An amish party in the desert called churning man.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine