Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.