[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
anyone else like Italian cereal
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.