In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – canβt think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
βYouβre an athlete,β I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: sorry I canβt work today, the babyβs not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap βem, slap βem hard
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up ππ₯³
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Got ya covered
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. iβm sweaty and i am getting scared
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someoneβs plate on a restaurant youβd go βiβll have THAT.β This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when sheβs supposed to be sleeping.