doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
i will not be silenced
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”