Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
🙂🙃🥹
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs