10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit