fourth time’s the charm
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Hank is one in a melon.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown