Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
peeping toms
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I support this random dude and all his protests
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing