Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.