[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*praying for world peace*
God:
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…