Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!