[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
He wanted to make sure😂
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.