If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Does beer think about me too?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.