I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”