My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I’m about to risk it all
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.