CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea