World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can