[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends