Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.