Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
😍😂🥰😂😍
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”