VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?