Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
No, I don’t think I will.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.