I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life