*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What even happened today?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.