Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
What
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
put ‘er there pardner!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.