little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
when dads have a rap battle
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!