me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
You Might Also Like
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Friends that check up on you >
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“The Perfect Relationship”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction