Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If snakes were wide
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles