Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper