A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
when the buffet is more honest than your date
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone