Swedish for common sense.
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I’ll be mad as hell!
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.