Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
You Might Also Like
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.