My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Stop being racist to kettles.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.