Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.