Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!